What Job Applicants Actually Mean

* I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:  I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

* I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:  I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

* I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:  I've used Microsoft Office.

* I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:  I pilfer office supplies.

* MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:  I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

* I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:  I blame others for my mistakes.

* I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED:   I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.

* I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:  I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

* I'M PERSONABLE:  I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

* I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:  As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.

* I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:   I carry a Day-Timer.

* MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:  You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

* I AM ADAPTABLE:  I've changed jobs a lot.

* I AM ON THE GO:  I'm never at my desk.

* I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:   The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

* I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:  I'm a college drop-out.

* I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:   I've been accused of sexual harassment.

* THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:  Wait! Don't throw me away!

* I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:  Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

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